I was planning for rest on Sunday
I was lying in bed Saturday evening trying to find comfort in the fact that I have earned the right to rest on Sunday.
However, I can’t shake off this feeling of anxiety thinking about three other things I need to absolutely get done before I can soak myself in a heavenly hot eucalyptus bath. As a retired expert in procrastination, I was still not able to find any shortcuts or other time slots I can rearrange the tasks to.
I needed to cook because if I don’t then I would eat out, and that’s just the recipe for gaining weight and I didn’t budget money for eating out.
I need to do my homework, they are due on Monday, so there’s really just Sunday to do them. And they are very interesting homework, so I feel guilty that I am not excited about doing them.
I need to write and post a blog post. I didn’t post on Thursday, so I can’t skip posting on Monday too, that will just prove that this blog thing will not work out and I will not be sticking with it.
And I need to have a good rest or else I won’t have enough energy to sustain myself emotionally and mentally throughout the entire week.
I woke up on Sunday being determined that I will get all four things done not knowing how I will manage to do them though. I started the day with meditation, but I was not able to meditate much, thoughts invaded my headspace for almost the entire session.
By the end of the session, I had my day planned out. I will finish the blogpost in the morning, then cook and have lunch, then do the homework in the afternoon and then I can have my rest in the evening.
It sounds like a perfect plan! The only problem is that my body knew it didn’t have the energy left to go through that kind of schedule, but my brain refused to acknowledge that fact. So I started writing the blogpost while trying to suppress the anxiety stemming from the conflict between my mind and body. And there was no way I could have written anything of quality in such a mind state. I didn’t know it then, but I gave up after an hour trying to get words out of my anxious mind.
I beat myself up even more when I decided to stop writing. I was totally paralyzed with anxiety, so I did what I knew best. I went to watch Netflix to numb the anxiety.
Eventually though, I decided to take it one step at a time and do what I could without pressuring myself. I then managed to cook a big pot of sauce for the Korean black bean noodle dish. The whole time, I was hugging the anxiety that lies in the middle of my chest.
Ok, let's be honest! I don’t like what I have written so far and I don’t think I will leave this up. But for now, this is what my brain can produce and I am happy that I spend the time to write knowing that with practice it would improve with time.
I will need to revisit my habit of scheduling and if there’s any lesson I have learned from the “restful Sunday”, it’s these:
- My body is clearing protesting that I have overworked it
- But my brain knows that I have so much more I want and need to do
- The combination of these two creates a chaos mind that is filled with unproductive anxiety
- So the solution is to make a clear schedule with definite work time and more space for rest.
I think in a way my Sunday was production since it helped me to realize the above.